Ask Manjot is a monthly advice column by writer and therapist Manjot Mann that tackles all things womanhood, relationships, mental health and more. Submit your questions here.

Hi Manjot, I am getting married in a few months and my partner and I have not talked about finances. He lives with his parents and I’m not sure how much he contributes to bills or how much he saves and I’m not sure how to bring this up. When I have tried to broach the subject he brushes me off and says we will figure it out. I’ve been working since I was 16 and managing my own finances since then. I want to make sure we are on the same page when it comes to money. How can I talk to my partner about this? I want him to provide more clear answers.

Dear Reader,

Thank you for submitting such an important question. I'm sorry to say this but when a partner is avoidant on the topic of finances it can be a big red flag. While working on this article I conducted an Instagram poll asking if couples discussed finances before getting married and 74% of respondents reported that they did. A few people also DM’d me and shared that back in the day no one spoke about finances before marriage and now in hindsight they can see how much this impacted the quality of their relationship and their own mental health.

You’re asking all the right questions. Before you start this next chapter it’s important to make sure that you and your partner are on the same page financially.

You mention that when you broach the subject of bills and savings your partner brushes you off. You also mention that you are unsure of how much he contributes to the household. These are big questions that shouldn’t be ignored especially right before you tie the knot. The reason that financial stress can cause a marital break down is because couples are often not transparent with each other about spending habits and debts. It's vital to your relationship and future that you take time out before the wedding to discuss goals, debts, savings and financial obligations.

You also share that your partner is living with his parents and you don’t know if he contributes to bills and if so how much. You need to talk about this and what the expectations are around your future contributions. Will you be paying any household bills? How much is he contributing and what does this mean for any shared future goals? If you're planning to live in a joint family after you’re married this might mean including his parents in the discussion so that everyone is on the same page.

In therapy I often see couples after the resentment around finances has started to build. When we don’t talk about these issues from the start we create patterns of avoidance and denial. The problem with this is that we’re not actually addressing the issue but just hoping it’ll resolve on it’s own. Money problems don’t just go away, we have to talk about them and actively create a plan as a couple on how to navigate different seasons of our lives.

Communication is key here and when in doubt get help. Maybe this means working with a therapist, signing up with a money coach or looking for a financial advisor. This might also mean you want to look into protecting your assets through a pre nuptial agreement. Whatever you decide remember a successful marriage requires two people willing to work together toward a shared dream for their future. Finances are a big part of any future plans so don’t let this moment slip away, talk about it.

I believe in you.

Love always,

Manjot