Are you the eldest daughter? People pleaser? High functioning perfectionist? Do you feel endless pressure from your family to get married and have kids ASAP as if the right man is going to fall out of the sky and all you need to do is ask?

Does this sound like you? If so, you are not alone my friend.

I meet women who check off some (and in some cases all) of these categories in therapy. These women are successful, kind and ambitious. They are working to peel away layers upon layers of expectations that they have carried around for too long. The question we sit and discuss in therapy is always the same; when will I find someone? Is there something wrong with me?

I’m going to tell you the same thing that I tell them,  there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. Not a damn thing. You don’t have to find someone. You don’t have to get married. You can be happy just the way you are. You are wonderful, successful, ambitious, so damn smart and you have so much more to offer the world than finding a partner and settling down.

I’m not saying that you shouldn’t want these things but that there shouldn’t be pressure on you to find these things within a certain timeframe because quite frankly when you are a smart, ambitious woman with a great career it takes time to find someone who is your equal.

I have so much empathy for the women I meet in therapy who are standing at a metaphorical crossroads. These women have built a flourishing career and have reached that place in their life where everyone has applauded their professional advancements and has now begun to ask “when are you getting married?”. 

It feels like there are only two options: either they can focus their energy on finding a man or they can continue to grow their empire, travel the world and live their best life.

To all the women who are standing at a crossroads and gazing with anxiety at a sign that says life partner to the left and build your empire to the right I say screw it.

Make your own path.

You can build an empire and find a partner. You don't have to give up one to achieve the other because guess what? The men you're going to meet aren't giving anything up either. They're still working, building their empires and expecting that female attention will eventually wander over.

But you my friend,  you are the catch. You are the real prize. You're the one that is going to be doing the majority of the emotional labor because hello patriarchy and you're going to be the one potentially growing tiny humans.

So why are you giving something up to find love when your potential partner likely isn't giving up anything in his pursuit of you?

Build that empire, find that main character energy and be the woman that you needed to see growing up. The one who didn’t get married until she was ready. The one who froze her eggs, the one who said timelines be damned, I'll find someone when I’m good and ready AND when they can match my energy.

Break that intergenerational trauma and decades, no centuries, of toxic patterns that tell us as as women to find a man ASAP.

Remember, you can be the love of your own damn life and if someone comes along and matches that energy great but if not, the search doesn’t have to be endless. Pause it at any time and do you. Build that empire. Travel the world. Burn those timelines to the ground and remember to practice a healthy dose of self love along the way.

I recently read a Substack post by one of my favourite brown girls Harpo. In her post she talks about balancing the desire to find someone with the innate need to also be herself and love the woman she has become. She shares a beautiful quote from bell hooks who says 

We’ve been taught to see love as something that requires another person but love starts at home. It starts with you. 

If you’re looking for some inspiration from a fellow writer and single girl documenting her journey on life, love and patriarchy, check out my dear friend Bhumika’s Substack.  There is a quote from her latest article titled “Do you like the way you are” where she says

Don’t lower your standards, the right person is out there and you don’t need to change your life goals to find him. Screw the timelines and do you. I’ll be over here cheering you on.

Love always,

Manjot